Finding Peace..

    Today I had a beautiful day with my Fiance Dawn.. We went to lunch together then went to Walmart and went shopping for a few things.. Then.. I got a text from someone really important to me. I was scared to open the text because I know I had done something wrong and hurtful to this person that is very special to me.. I'll never be able to forgive myself.. I don't deserve for this person to forgive me.. We both said some pretty hateful words to one another in the heat of the moment.. I know I didn't mean the hateful words that came out of my mouth.. I hope you can believe me when I say that I am truly sorry.. Every morning when I wake up I could just cry over the fight and everything that happened.. But I have to say to myself that today is a new day and another day to better myself from the horrible night.. I'm just ashamed of myself.. Completely disgusted about it.. About everything... I have to be able to find a way to forgive myself before this person can even think about forgiving me.. That is if they ever forgive me at all.. Maybe a little.. Day by day.. But I don't think completely.. I'm scared that it's always going to shadow us.. How do we get past this.. I'd love to wake up and not feel guilty.. But I feel like a piece of low life shit for not wanting to feel guilty anymore.. What I mean by saying not feeling guilty anymore is for it to all wash away one day like it didn't happen.. But Idk if it'll ever get to this point of it washing away.. But I opened that text.. And I'm really happy I did.. We talked all night and talked things out and I apologized... Not enough but I did.. Holding back tears the entire time.. Wishing I lived in the same zip code, area code, county, or state to say hey I'm driving to you so we can go for a walk.. I wanted to hug this person and cry in each others arms while I beg for forgiveness.. I know I'm not worthy of it.. I can only pray and dream and hope for it.. WHY was I an idiot.. WHY!!??? Anyways.. I know you are reading this.. I hope you are at least.. I look forward to talking to you when you and I get a chance to sit down and talk.. And work up our friendship again.. And go through the journey of TTC together.. And try to get back to where we were.. I know I'd love that more than ANYTHING!! I know not only do I need to gain your trust but your spouses trust and forgiveness as well.. I honestly hope your spouse is reading this with you.. If so.. "Spouse" I'M SO SORRY!!! I'm sorry for hurting your spouse and everything I said and did.. I was stupid and not in the right mind set at the time because I was so tired and stressed due to having someone here that shouldn't of been here.. It wasn't worth losing either one of you.. I can only hope and pray that you both give me a chance to prove that I'm not an ugly person.. Ugly doesn't touch who I am.. Disgustingly stupid.. Scum.. Anyways.. Please forgive me.. I'm sorry.. I hope we can find peace in all this and goof of on skype like we used to.. And what not.. Well I'm going to go to bed.. I love you both dearly.. I always will not matter what may come of this.. Even if you both were to say sorry I can't forgive or forget this.. And I can't continue being your friend.. I'll forever love you both.. Anyways Good Night and God Bless!! 

Love Always 

Aleasha♥♥